I'm sorry I was born late

Hi! Blog! I'm back. I'm actually on exam seasons. So, I'm kinda cheating or recreational here. But everything is fine.

I threw all their pictures btw.

But save it on my storage 🤪

I'm so moved on 💯 exactly right after they're gone ofc, some of them

But I never really moved on I just continue living for some

So, it's like I always have these ghosts in the back of my mind if I got someone worse... Oh it's too bad it means I'm degrading, because we're pretty much marry someone whose exactly the opposite/complementary or similar. Isn't it? Or, if you marry for the wrong reason you're not degrade anymore you jump off a cliff...

I'm genuinely feel remorseful regret

But how can I study while actually I don't even have desire to live on certain days

So it's entirely my fault

So I take so many of these classes, just because

I'm just kidding

I'm actually not super smart, not always top first rank, since I was a kid but I'm lucky enough to study and I was like "tersesat di jalan yg benar" (lost on the right path if I could rent Indonesian netizen term)

It's like this: I read on Twitter "if you learned shari'a you should learn tasawuf, but if you learn tasawuf you need to learn shari'a first"

And from that on I couldn't stop studying until I can't study

Well, to be really honest I'm not a teacher lol

This part, I'm actually wasn't prepared to be a teacher, since childhood, but if I want I could but I still need certain requirement to finish first until ideally I can be a teacher, so, I'm more like teacher assistant because I have sooooooo many people worse than me on certain subjects and my teacher need help and it's just happened to be me, because I'm finished, master, understood until certain stage

I'm old enough but I still can't decide whether I want to be a teacher

But to be a student it's a deadlock, I'm too privileged to not study or to be a part of the people who preserving knowledge

I might not master everything but for example we're in the middle of nowhere if there are 5 people and we lost for example Qur'an, I can like add up, may be, I still don't know exactly what's right, next... but I knew I think this is kind of wrong so I'm adding these helpful force in the group

While actually people in the old days remember Qur'an and can write it by himself entirely, but you know just in case, I'm prepared... If 5 of us lost we could try to built it altogether although maybe one of them finish all of it, but I COULD HELP

What I genuinely regret is I'm actually easily distracted

I take or have so many responsibilities and sometimes instead of finishing my own I'm happily helping people with their responsibility while my own responsibilities kind of slacking... I think it's just I love being helpful but when it comes to my own responsibilities I feel overwhelmed and procrastinating (sometimes) it's not that I'm stupid, as I said, I'm just easily distracted

I'm a goldfish

And I wallow too looooong

Like, I'm having difficulty other than manage my time, manage failures

I'm no way near resilient, it's not even failure sometimes just mild criticism while I was aware I was wrong too but sometimes because the world too noisy I lost track whether it's really I'm at the wrong or not

So for that reason I might not change overnight

But that's it I would have to work on those things

It's not that I should've been studying, working, etc but I keep looking for love, instead, no, definitely not... It's just people are looking for spouse and it's just you just need to try it all. You never really know until you just take a step little by little climb the ladder bit by bit... What I regret is why I feel like I'm worried too much.

Before it I've always been happy with what I already have... Not thinking too much about where I'm gonna reside, who am I gonna marry... It's really one of the hardest distraction ever

It's like when I was depressed right looooong time ago I lose some people, get a really hard time to graduate, etc and I read books and I get more depressed instead of coping or happy or relieved, so it's not wrong right? That I read books, because whether I read it or not, I would still struggling with my undergrad thesis I feel like it's written in my destiny

But at that time I was really in regret that I don't continue my Qur'an class at the mosque (Alhur)

Same right? I was so confident I would graduate early so I stopped my class on Alhur

But then I'm struggling to graduate I really regret not continue my Qur'an class at mosque

While, may be even if I graduate soon, means I'm brilliant student I could get projects from my lecturers or seniors, or I might get a job inside campus or near my campus

What I regret I should've push myself until I really can't I was just move to my parents' home and keep looking for nearer mosques (including Istiqlal as you know) for Qur'an class

Ahhhh I should've not quit or discontinue my presence on revive the mosque in my nearest place I reside... Something like that... Even if I can't join a class, at least I could help as organizer or something, or just seasonal jama'ah

And that's still giving me pain every time I remember it

Oh btw I can only lay on my bed and listening to the Qur'an

I'm depressed I pray a lot and fasting a lot only watch Islamic thingy like historical Islamic sites, read Qur'an too

I feel like I'm dead but I see in my dream my mom praying for me

It was really the best time of my life actually

Everything messy

I even get black forehead, not because I pray too much but because I'm sleepy and pray and pray and pray I think those days I only pray sleep pray I eat so little until I dunk my forehead into the floor (because I'm sleepy) it's actually kind of embarassing but I love this wound it always remind me when I want to do sujood (prostrate) and DHUAKKK I'm sleepy I hit the floor so hard

But thank God my skull is harder

You know what actually helping me? So these Imams like Bukhari everytime he wants to write a Hadith he needs to pray first

And that's really, the story, helping me A LOT so it's not only me...

And I love to read post graduate thesis... Most of them already married...

In the front of the book "to my mom" "my spouse, my children..." "my late dad" and so on

It's really I dunno I read the summary and conclusion done if it's interesting enough I see certain pages these books not just a brain work but also a work from heart... You can feel it, it's not just water your brain, but also make your heart full 💗 

Ah! And I met an old friend and street sellers and ojek rider they keep praying for my success, and deep inside I was like I'm literally a failure but somehow they pray for me because if I made it in life in my study their life would get better too hopefully or they just plainly from the bottom of their heart want the best for me, with no jealousy or anything in exchange

It's both hard and worth it to be a student

These days I'm still kinda lonely too on this I think the right path

And I'm still looking for friends

But I hope I'm not too involved in these mission to get to know people learn other cultures till I forget my main responsibilities

Oh btw I only pray and sleep not just because I'm depressed but also I want to puke everytime 🥶🤢 I see my laptop and continue writing and I found out my friend also feel the same lol so it's like there's nothing I can do right it's not even time to eat feast fully 🤣 And you know I used to memorize Qur'an entirely but only the translation but now not anymore

Because what? There's nothing I can do about it about my life