What Should I Do?

I feel like God already prepare for me a guy with deep Islamic knowledge, fun, gentleman, witty, responsible, rich, soft-spoken, diligent, hard-working but I'm not you know I feel like my vibes against it like I think I don't deserve him

God want me to have an easy purposeful life with loving family but I'm the one who still stuck and not accepting or blocking these blessings

I don't know I've always love or attracted to smart guy

But these days if he's smart and righteous it's really an ultimate defeat

I feel like I'm really that bad

But turns out, everytime, the worst kind of guy always expect so many things while the good one only want a normal wife for example "she just need to pray" something like that, but I was like I'm not this and that, and then he got married

The Bad Side of Living in a Harsh World

People are so weird you can just talk a bit and "thanks for loving me" no I'm not I'm just being normal you never receive kindness?

I remember when I was a kid I pray I hope there's just one guy who like me because many of my friends are dating, and as an adult most of my friends already married and men was like not marrying me because they don't feel fit, but they treat me like love object

What kind of torture is this, I'm married to nobody but the worst part is you cannot just be mean to them or evil so you're just like keep "I need to be professional" but stop it I'm not doing anything for you I'm just living existing stop loving me you don't even do all the administrations

No it's not the worst yet, people would like "why you stole my heart and abandon it" no I'm nooooot I'm literally just existing talk a bit and I need to get hurried for my other tasks why should I, like, keep talking to you or showing up

You don't do anything to me you don't register as anything you're not my parents, my significant other, I don't have any obligations that should be paid to you, so people like giving love I never ask and demand for something in return, they just like, give me debt I never ever register/apply/ask for and keep asking payment for the amount of fresh fund I never receive or never knew it's a trap

The trial of trying to be a decent person

The Psychology Behind الله أكبر

So, I always start my bio, description, account explaination, etc with Arabic right? Like in Twitter loooong time ago I permanently use سبحان الله وبحمده... And btw I found another Arab women Emirati I think exactly like that wow I found my soul sister, I mean it wasn't directed, I ever read Ewing Sarcoma novel right and I see her in me too somehow btw though she's from Chindo background super far... And so many others, but I tend to you know find similarities with people out there and somehow that things make me feel normal, human, but also special in certain things. Okay back to the topic I write it because I genuinely don't want to label myself, it's not that I'm not proud of who I am, my history, my stories, my achievements. But I would love to think that I'm constantly changing and writing things about me while I'm still alive is I don't know it feels like limitating me, at first I do afraid that I would look too religious compared to who I am but so many of my friends, though they're I don't know not always Islamic may be they are proud of their Islamic identity so I just dust it off. And I just want to tell, why I use Allahuakbar in my YouTube channel that I intend for my professional presence on the internet? Something I intend to post about my education my trajectory of works or fields. I actually just do it accidentally, what's next I would write in my description. But it fit very good!

Muslim Struggle

People nowadays in their 19 act like the world is about to end because they're still unmarried and working hard to build their life

Campur Sari

Akhir-akhir ini gua dengerin campur sari mulu karena tetangga gua pada dengerin trs ternyata yg request bnrn ada yg dr daerah sini, trs ini tuh skrg lagi campur sari banyumasan jd 1 perempuan ada shalawatnya gitu ngerti lah ya, sisanya cowok-cowoknya drum band merinding gitu

Bagus ya ternyata

Jadi kayak mau perang, folk song, dakwah, pitutur... pokoknya gua merasa sgt aman deh, ini budaya msh ada ya dlm hati gua, menarik bgt. Bener-bener gotong royong, lindung-melindungi, tidak ada iri dengki, guyub, tidak serakah karena di dalam hati tidak mungkin keserakahan dan iman berkumpul haha. Rasanya kaya dengerin sejarah hidup kami.

Speedy

Akhirnya hari ini pertama kali dapet speedy di Duolingo Arabic 😭 mungkin buat orang lain bisa jadi ada yang nganggep biasa aja, tapi buat aku ini pencapaian banget, udah 200 lebih streak aku tapi gak lanjut, itu kabar kurang baiknya, tapi di sisi lain kabar baiknya akhirnya aku bisa dapet time kategori speedy jadi di Duo itu ada speed, quick, commited tiap ngerjain soal. Trs ntah kenapa kalau di Bahasa Arab tuh gak pernah masa dapet speedy!! Padahal aku udh tamat Duo Bahasa Arab dari kapan tau, trs itu alhamdulillahnya ya emang membantu banget sih kalau aku nonton live dari Haramain tuh agak nangkep2 dikit ditambah kelas Bahasa Arab, immersive learning, dll tentunya 🤧 jadi menurutku ya aku bisa nangkep dikit-dikit cuma gak bisa kalau cepet masih. Emang iya gitu, aku malah salut Duolingo bisa seakurat itu ngasih penilaian. Trs akhirnya pecah telor dong! Akhirnya aku dapet pertama kali speedy setelah sekian tahun kali HAAAAH alhamdulillah 😊 perjalanan ini masih terus berlanjut tapi aku mungkin sudah tidak lucu-lucu amat lagi 😅 nanti

Kayaknya kalau lagi emosi marah-marah itu memang harus disalurkan ke hal yg produktif deh, jangan sampai yg merusak, jadi kita tiba-tiba kayak punya super power gitu 👍 Dahsyat! 🎆

🙃

I miss my friends 😭😭😭

My nieces, nephews, my aunties, my cousins, etc

I don't want much I just need to know they're fine

But I'm so messed up I'm overwhelmed I can't talk to them one by one it hurts me a lot everytime I feel like I'm saying something wrong, they're busy and I'm too noisy moreover at night like this when I cannot sleep, I knew some of my friends who won't bother and just slap my mouth or tell me to just sleep but I don't know whose gonna be mad at me secretly I really can't read between the lines don't expect me to just communicate well over communicate please say what you really mean people can't read mind

Olahraga

Gua tau ya olahraga itu bagus. Tapi aku gak punya ke apa ya... Keyakinan untuk fokus olahraga gitu. Aku ngerasa kita butuh olahraga tp gak yang hidupku olahraga terus juga.